THE ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIP – PHYSICAL VIOLENCE.

I’m not about to dispute that domestic violence is more commonly committed by men against women. That much is self-evident, dreadful and inexcusable.

However, it’s said that 1 in 7 of all incidents of domestic violence is committed against men. If most sufferers act like I did and keep it hidden, that’s going to be very much understated and under recorded. Why keep it hidden? Because I’m a man and was ashamed to admit that I’d been regularly physically abused by a woman, ashamed to admit that I didn’t protect myself, ashamed to admit that I didn’t fight back.

Man or woman, though, there’s an internal stigma attached to domestic violence. Self-doubting questions come into the mind. Why didn’t I do anything? Why did I back down? The simple answer is that we believe we are protecting our family and trying to hang on to our relationship. Were we right? Probably not, but when you’re gripped by a storm, all you can do is hold on and hope!

Over the years, I’d become accustomed to the punches, kicks and scratches and even became a bit blasé about them. It was only after my son was older and became aware of what was going on that it became a real problem for me. The attacks got worse and, yet I couldn’t react out of fear of totally traumatising him.

One night, I decided I’d had enough and went upstairs to pack a suitcase with the intention of leaving. She followed me, laughing hysterically. My boy begged me not to go and grabbed the suitcase. I realised that I couldn’t do it as he was terribly upset and, of course, vulnerable. Besides, why should I leave? She was the problem, not me, it was MY house. I went back downstairs and sat with my head in my hands, with my son cuddling me. She followed again, all the while laughing manically. She gaslighted me, accusing me of upsetting our child.

I thought that the violence was directed only at me but one January day, something happened to wake me to the awful truth. She’d already attacked me and followed him into his bedroom. I heard them arguing and then … silence, followed by him screaming and sobbing. I jumped up and ran to him, finding him distressed with tears rolling down his cheeks. I asked him what was wrong and he told me that she’d bounced his head of the bed frame. She angrily denied it but he insisted that she’d done it. Then he reminded her that she’d hit his head with a chair the previous week. She denied that too, becoming hysterical and accusing him of being a ‘nasty person’. I snarled at her, telling her that, if I ever found out that she had hit him, it would be the end of the marriage, and I’d have no problem reporting her to the police.

Ultimately, that’s exactly what happened. During a particularly vicious attack on me, he’d pulled a carving knife from the kitchen block and threatened to kill himself if she didn’t stop.  That was the turning point when I had to involve the police. She was arrested and I began the journey to end the marriage and rescue my son.

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