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Ending the presumption of parental involvement

Exploding the myth that child safety must lie with the female parent/care giver



In no small measure thanks to the campaigns of Dr. Charlotte Proudman, the government in the UK has repealed the legal principle that assumed shared parental involvement benefits children. This has been done on the grounds that, it is said, the practice of forcing 'abuse' victims into contact with male perpetrators (fathers) should end, ensuring contact is "earned" through demonstrated safety rather than assumed by right.


No right-minded person could condone forcing a child into contact with an abuser is a sane course of action. However, the inherent assumption that the threat always comes from the father, further entrenches the institutional hostility and prejudice against him. Too many times, does the wilful abuse of children by some mothers go ignored.



When Custody Becomes Control: Understanding Coercive Control of Children by a Parent After Gaining Custody


Coercive control is often discussed in the context of intimate partner relationships, but far less attention is given to the ways it can appear in parent–child dynamics, especially after a difficult custody battle. While both men and women can engage in coercive control, this article focuses on situations where a mother, having gained custody, uses power and manipulation to control, intimidate, or psychologically harm her children or the other parent.

This issue deserves careful attention—not to vilify women, but to acknowledge that abuse is a behaviour, not a gender, and children need protection regardless of who the perpetrator is.



What Is Coercive Control?


Coercive control is a persistent strategy of domination that includes psychological manipulation, isolation, monitoring, intimidation, and threats. When directed at children, it can shape their development, identity, and emotional stability.


Children in such environments often don’t recognize the behaviour as abuse because it happens slowly and becomes their “normal.”



How Coercive Control Can Appear After Custody Is Gained


1. Isolation From the Other Parent

A custodial parent may:

  • Restrict communication with the non-custodial parent

  • Withhold phone calls or messages

  • Create fear around the other parent (“they don’t love you,” “they’re dangerous,” etc.)

This can evolve into parental alienation, a form of psychological manipulation.


2. Emotional Manipulation

This may involve:

  • Guilt-tripping (“After everything I’ve done for you…”)

  • Making the child feel responsible for the parent’s emotions

  • Love-withdrawal as punishment

Children learn to walk on eggshells to avoid upsetting the controlling parent.


3. Monitoring and Micromanagement

Some parents heavily restrict:

  • The child’s friendships

  • Activities outside the home

  • Communication devices

  • Clothing or self-expression

The goal is compliance, not safety.


4. Using the Child as a Tool Against the Other Parent

This can happen when a parent:

  • Interrogates the child after visits

  • Coaches the child to give false statements

  • Tells the child to “spy”

  • Uses the child to deliver hostile messages

This keeps conflict alive at the child’s expense.


5. Manipulating the Legal and School Systems

Some controlling parents:

  • Make false allegations

  • Block the other parent from school or medical information

  • Portray themselves as victims to professionals

  • Seek restraining orders to maintain control

System manipulation often extends the abuse beyond the home.



Impact on Children


Children who experience coercive control may suffer from:

  • Chronic anxiety

  • Poor self-esteem

  • Difficulty forming healthy relationships

  • Identity confusion

  • Loyalty conflicts

  • Guilt and shame

  • Long-term trauma responses

Some children internalize the controller’s beliefs; others become withdrawn, angry, or depressed.



Why Female-Perpetrated Abuse Is Often Overlooked


Society often views mothers through a nurturing, protective lens. This can make it harder for:

  • Professionals to recognize abusive patterns

  • Fathers to be believed when they report concerns

  • Children to feel validated when they disclose mistreatment

Acknowledging that women can be abusers too is essential for accurately protecting children.



How Parents and Supporters Can Respond


1. Document Everything

Keep records of:

  • Missed calls/visits

  • Manipulative messages

  • Behavioral changes in the child

Documentation can be critical in court.


2. Maintain Calm, Consistent Contact

Be the safe, stable parent:

  • Avoid reacting to provocations

  • Keep communication child-centered

  • Show steady, unconditional care

Consistency helps counteract manipulation.


3. Involve Neutral Professionals

Therapists, guardians ad litem, mediators, or child advocates can:

  • Detect coercive patterns

  • Provide reports

  • Offer the child a safe place to speak


4. Strengthen the Child’s Sense of Self

Encourage them to:

  • Express feelings safely

  • Make small age-appropriate choices

  • Engage in healthy relationships outside the home

Healthy autonomy reduces the impact of control.


5. Seek Legal Support When Necessary

If the situation escalates:

  • File motions to enforce custody orders

  • Request court-ordered communication access

  • Ask for family assessments or custody modifications

Always prioritise the child’s safety, not retaliation.



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